marcmagus | Oh, fuck! (Reply)

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I was having a conversation with

mistacat about why it is that I'm still stuck in the rut I'm still stuck in. I was also thinking about various proactive things I have done recently. I noticed that I tend to have occasional phases of frenzied proactive activity, and longer more frequent phases of a kind of lazy acceptance of whatever is/comes. When I'm active, I'm really productive. I work hard and fast and get a lot done and it's all really good, whatever it is I'm doing. But most of the time I can't get up the energy. It's kind of like the "spoon theory" so many of you know about, but in an emotional energy sense, and applied on something closer to a monthly time-scale. (This week I have the emotional energy to get stuff done, but spending it leaves me lying around reading or playing video games for two weeks before I can even contemplate doing anything important again.)

So I noticed that there are two things which kick me into high gear. One is that I get fed up with something simple not working the way it should (for instance, fixing a faucet, or installing/upgrading software because what I have doesn't actually do what I want it to). The other is that a crisis emerges. This is why I thrive in the theater during hell-week...it's constant crisis so there's always something I need to do and I don't come down out of active mode at all until the curtain goes up. Then I go collapse. So, cool, I'm good in a crisis.

So we were talking about how I'm languishing in Poughkeepsie doing fuck-all and wasting away my savings and running up debt and other stupid shit that we all know I know better than to be doing but not actually getting out of the rut. For a long time, now. So I thought I need to manufacture a crisis to force me to act, because the crisis that's coming is a whopper and if I wait until it's upon me, that'll suck. So, maybe giving notice to the landlords, so I'm stuck in a course of action. Seems like a plan.

Then I thought, "Fuck! I need to manufacture a crisis to act? I can't function correctly without crises? FUCK!"

That is all.