Please Call Me On My Shit--An Open Letter To My Friends

[marcmagus]

This is coming from a lot of places at once: I've been doing a lot of reading on discussions of privilege, and particularly of the derailing effects of certain common but unfortunate discussion tactics used by privileged persons in conversations about the difficulties of non-privileged persons. I've been doing a lot of thinking of the principle of Own Your Own Shit [I really wish I could remember where I got that one so I could link the essay; it was really good.], particularly as it relates to participation in relationships. I've been doing a lot of work more generally regarding taking responsibility for my life and being more proactive about figuring out what I want it to look like and getting from here to there.

I have a request of my friends. All of you, no matter how close or distant. If you see me fucking up, please call me on it. Calmly and matter-of-factly, point out that I'm fucking up, and possibly why. I may get defensive; I'm saying now that my getting defensive doesn't mean I don't appreciate your calling me on things, it just means that I apparently feel strongly about whatever you've called me on. I'll try to remember to thank you for it after I've calmed down. If I actually don't appreciate what you've said or feel it was hurtful or unhelpful, I will tell you so and calmly ask you to refrain from repeating that behavior--you may take absence of such as tacit affirmation that I appreciate your comment.

This request imposes no responsibilities on anybody: it's still my responsibility to catch my own mistakes and correct them. However, I know that self-awareness can often be difficult, so this is something you can do to help me improve myself, if you want to and are willing to. I won't think of you as less of a friend if you don't, for whatever reason. This constitutes both blanket permission to tell me you think I'm screwing up, and an affirmative statement that I would appreciate it if you do so.

This of course does not give you permission to be a jerk; if I think you're using this as an excuse to be an asshole toward me, well, I'll call you on it, just as I'd hope you would me if I were acting like an asshole toward me.

Please help me grow. Thank you. I love you all.

Comments

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

It is moments of self-realization like this that make me love you. That, and a million other things.