Hair

[marcmagus]

[Edit: I was wrong; I have curly hair, not wavy hair.]

I think I am very seriously considering cutting my hair. Not a bit shorter like last time but a lot of it, so it's short, in the hope that it might be more manageable. Which it won't, because the reason I grew it out in the first place was in the hope that gravity would help me tame it since no combination of frequent cutting and application of significant amounts of assorted chemicals seemed to do so.

It turns out that gravity, at least combined with tension through binding, does the trick. However, it only does the trick when my hair is relatively slack and heavy, a state it's in when it's wet, but not when it dries. Which is only achieved when, well, my hair is wet and heavy. Which is itself uncomfortable, as it gets my back wet.

Also, caring for my hair requires frequent brushing and rebraiding, which causes me observable physical pain in my arms every time I do it. Which, unsurprisingly, leads to my procrastinating doing so, which leads to it being in worse shape, which results in my feeling unfit for human company.

So I'm contemplating chopping it off for real, back to a point that doesn't require painful care. Except when I remember my childhood, I realize that's probably not a realistic goal, and would probably require getting it cut every 2-3 weeks to have any hope of achieving any sort of desirable effect, which I flat out can't afford.

Plus, at this point I have a significant amount of identity in being the guy with the long braid. I'm not sure if I could cope psychologically with a change that big. It would seriously affect how I thought of myself, and probably not in a good way. I'd be tempted to dye it or something, because I'm having trouble with the idea of having "normal" hair, but of course there are social and theoretical economic pressures against doing so.

I think the big deal is the social pressure from the people who are close to me, though. After something like 15 years my mother has finally largely stopped commenting on my choice of hairstyle (although every now and then she'll still remind me of how it would open doors to jobs if I'd switch to something more normal). I'm not such a fully grown independent man that the idea of a conversation where she congratulates me for finally coming to my senses about it is very palatable. Nor is the idea of the conversation where she chastises me from changing from one unpalatable to potential employers style to another.

Finally, at various times over the past couple of years, I've mentioned considering cutting my hair to my girlfriends. Their reactions have been negative in ways which have made me really uncomfortable (e.g. joking pouting/"noooooo"), and suggested clearly that my making this sort of radical change to my hairstyle would reduce their happiness. Not that I wouldn't do it anyway if that were the only thing on the con side, but it certainly makes it harder with uncertainty.

These last two combined make it a lot harder to talk about, because it kind of seems like thinking aloud about the issue to someone whose opinion I trust has a tendency to result in someone saying something which makes me regret mentioning it. If you can't guess, I'm feeling a ton of anxiety about posting this, in anticipation of getting responses which are upsetting, of hurting people I love just by what I've said, of people potentially saying hurtful things about people I love, of of an incredibly uncomfortable silence because everybody's afraid of hurting someone.

OTOH, I keep saying to myself I want to write here more, and a lot of what's keeping me from doing so is this sort of fear, so I guess I'm just going to post it.

BTW, hair care tips targetted to the sort of hair I have [thick and wavy curly, prone to absorbing a lot of water and trapping it for a long time, but with an outer layer that gets dry and kinks up rapidly, generally surprisingly resistant to split ends] would be quite welcome.

[Comment Policy: This post talks about real people who may be reading it in a potentially unflattering light. Please keep their feelings in mind if you choose to comment on that aspect of what I've written.]

Comments

[herbert]

would probably require getting it cut every 2-3 weeks to have any hope of achieving any sort of desirable effect, which I flat out can't afford.
Do it yourself or with the aid of K. If you're cutting hair short enough for buzzers, one of those would cost as much as about two hair cuts and last for much longer, and it's easy to do yourself. If you need a scissors-cut, it's generally more difficult to do yourself, but not for someone else, as long as your hair style isn't complicated. And if your hair grows as fast as you claim, the learning curve won't produce ill-looking results for long.

Whether you decide to keep or cut, I'd also highly recommend a feather razor. You seem to have the problem of Too Much Hair. Feathering razor make it fairly easy to get rid of an evenly random selection of hair without having to cut it one strand at a time. They are easily obtainable at any beauty supply store or the internet. Possibly just having less hair to deal with might make things easier.

(although every now and then she'll still remind me of how it would open doors to jobs if I'd switch to something more normal)
If you're looking for jobs in the tech sector at all, this doesn't really apply at all. At least not at any place that cares about the quality of the programmers. If you're applying for the Foreign Service, she is correct.

Love,
Herbert

[marcmagus]

See, the way this discussion goes, I mention that it's not so much a factor for tech jobs, and she responds that she would be unable to hire me (she hires a lot of Analysts), despite excellent qualifications and even if I dressed and groomed impeccably, solely because of my hair length. She says that while long hair is becoming more acceptable on men, mine is just too weird, and she simply couldn't hire any man with hair past the shoulders, as it gives an unprofessional appearance.

Needless to say, I think this attitude is bullshit and I have a major problem with it, but I don't doubt her sincerity or her assertion that this attitude is prevalent among most corporate players that are not themselves tech companies. I acknowledge that that's a lot of jobs, probably some of them quite good ones if not exactly what I'd like to do long term.

[herbert]

Come to think about it, there's a bias against long hair for women, as well. It's considered to look "less professional". I never went to any job interviews with my hair down - it was always back in a French braid (having decided that style was the best balance between formal and non-fancy) with a barette. A pony tail was too casual, and a plain braid was not quite formal enough for my tastes either, and pigtails were right out.

I know a lot of high powered women. None of them have very long hair. Short hair is most common, though shoulder-length is not uncommon either. This might something to do with that if you have long hair you obviously spend too much time on grooming and not thinking professional thoughts? (Though long hair can be a pretty minor aspect of the grooming ritual compared to skin care and make-up with women who care about these things.)

I think the expectation is that if you plan to be "serious" about your career, you're not supposed to look too feminine, regardless of whether you are male or female.

Love,
Herbert.

[notyourwendy]

I like your hair long, but a) I've never seen it short, and b) um, I'm somewhat biased to long hair myself. My mental image of you does correlate very strongly to 'Mark with long hair' and I'm always happy to see guys who have grown it out.

My hair is thick and water-greedy, but not wavy, so I don't know how much advice I could give you. I have seen multiple recommendations of a book called Curly Girl that has advice on hair care for women with wavy/curly hair that might be of use to you. Also, there is a long hair community on LJ that talks a lot about hair care. They got a little woo for my taste so I wandered off, but they have a lot of 'home remedy' kinds of hair advice that seemed like it might be useful.

I also have to confess that my mother finally not commenting negatively on my hair is part of the reason I don't cut my own. She's finally stopped telling me how much cuter I would look with short hair (ie, the bowl cut I had up until college) that I just can't ever give in and cut it and let her go on about how she was right.

[marcmagus]

b) um, I'm somewhat biased to long hair myself. My mental image of you does correlate very strongly to 'Mark with long hair' and I'm always happy to see guys who have grown it out.

Me too! On all three counts. :(

(Note: that's not my name)

I'd like to think that by this point in my life my decisions wouldn't be so shaped by "rebellion" against my parents, but apparently I'd be very wrong about that.

[notyourwendy]

(Note: that's not my name)

Oh dear, I do apologize. Doubly so since I'm pretty sure I've done that to you before.

I'd like to think that by this point in my life my decisions wouldn't be so shaped by "rebellion" against my parents, but apparently I'd be very wrong about that.

Sigh, here too. I often find myself doing something and thinking 'My mother would hate that I'm doing this' and continuing on with it with a slight sense of freedom and a bit of glee.

[marcmagus]

Accepted, thanks.

I've kind of settled on it's ok to take pleasure in the idea that my mother would disapprove as long as that's not actually encouraging me to make decisions I wouldn't otherwise, right?

[I feel I should note that my mother is a wonderful, kind, caring, thoughtful woman who I love very much, and, while there are things I disagree with her very strongly on, I really appreciate how great she is as a person, a role model, and a mother. She's just, y'know, my mom.]

Unrelated, may I just say, perhaps especially given the context I know you from, your comment regarding the longhair community really made me smile?

[notyourwendy]

Yeah, moms have an extra-special way of being able to influence their children, even when they grow up. :)

Sadly, there doesn't seem to be an equivalent community here on DW to longhair on LJ and I couldn't think of anywhere else to point you.

[tirerim]

Non-serious suggestion: you could just dip your braid in tar. :-) Though that might make things a bit worse for looking for jobs, unless you want to work on a ship.

If there's a hair-cutting school anywhere nearby, that could be a source of cheap haircuts if you do need them very frequently.

Fwiw, I think you would look good with short hair, if you can figure out a way to manage it.

And when I started losing my hair (around the age of 21, shortly after I started growing it out), I always said that when I actually went bald I would cut it short. Of course, then it decided to stop at thin and short on top without actually departing entirely, so I haven't really figured out what to do about that yet.